Using the past to build the future
Happy New Year, everybody!
I was going to write a big lengthy post about my 2012 goals, and my 2011 recap but... I realised I generally hate reading those things. I'm not one for writing new years resolutions anyway, but still... Writing them is always fun and educational from where I'm sitting, but you know, kinda boring to read when it's completely unrelated to you. (Unless you're a friend, in which case your blog about your goals and lessons learned last year will be devoured!)
Instead of talking about my goals for this year, I'm going to instead talk about different ways of keeping my motivation up in order to get me there. I realised that, my problem isn't really the lack of motivation, but lack of self confidence in my ability to get me there. Most of last year I put photographs up of things I wanted to achieve, magazine clippings of where I wanted to go, and I didn't really get anywhere. Now, instead, I've got a whole wall in my bedroom covered with things that make me happy, photographs of myself with friends, certificates of acomplishments, a whole wall dedicated to reminding me what I can achieve and the things I've done in my life. It's already done wonders for my self confidence, a constant reminder of my abilities. I still have the pictures of things I want to do as well, but that's on a different wall.
If you'd have asked me a week ago whether or not this was a good idea, I'd have laughed and said "Don't be stupid, looking in the past is a terrible idea", but now I know better. Now I know it's important to display your achievements as well as your future goals. Otherwise it becomes overwhelming, displaying so much of the future, when it's our memories of the past that help us build the very future we're walking towards.
I wish you all the best of luck in the end of the world!
Reality Check: Stupid is as Stupid Does
I'm pretty dumb sometimes. But I'm human, so, that's a given. Not a second goes by where a human being doesn't make a mistake. But that's probably what's made us the most advanced-thinking species on the planet.
I lied about something stupid (the fact that I lied at all is stupid, but that's another story) and it really hurt some people who very important to me. While questioning myself why I did that, I found out a few facts. Like... how I keep desperately trying to protect peoples image of me. Trying to keep my reputation "clean" in some peoples eyes. And that causes me to either avoid talking to them, or, in this case, lie about something dumb.
Well, that's probably the most stupid thing I can do. Everyone will have a different opinion of me, so trying to carve everyone's opinion of me into something perfect is just downright stupid and eventually those very people I've been trying to like me will be hurt. And, well, that happened. So it seems instead of listening to the advice of hundreds of people in books, I'm living in that painful hard way where I learn from experience. So I can tell people later on "Yeah, don't do that, I know from experience that it's a dumb thing to do."
Here's a couple of facts for you: I'm a delusional, niave, ridiculously insecure, foolish, terribly shy, bitchy, idiotic, emotional human girl who makes mistakes.
I'm gonna stop trying to hide all that from the world now.
Stuck in a Rut
Updated: I've written another post on this subject, the Quarter Life Crisis. Go check it out if you're under 30 and feeling stuck in a rut, too.
I'm stuck in a rut. And I'm feeling sorry for myself. I keep looking at other people my age and realising they've accomplished a lot more than me in their 25 years of life. Half of my peer group are married, half of the married ones have kids and I'm still living with my parents. Yes, this post will be full of feeling-sorry-for-myself angst. That's what this blog is for though, right? For me to think about where my life is going, waffle about what the hell I want to do with myself and answer the awful question: "Where do I see myself in 10 years".
If I'm still stuck in this rut in 5 years I'll go crazy.
I need a plan. Unfortunately, planning is my least favourite activity, and the skill I am least good at. I'm good at starting wild crazy ideas and not finishing them, not planning my life. But a plan is what I need, and I think a five year plan is something I can accomplish. Except for one very important point:
I have no idea what I want. One day I want to be a writer. The next day I want to be a musician. Today I don't want to do anything that involves me sitting down at a desk and being all alone - I want to jump around outside and do something spectacular. I've already established that I'm a scanner. I should know it's perfectly acceptable for me to want to jump about to different flowers like a bumblebee. But right now, no flower looks attractive to me.
The Cheshire Cat says "If you don't know where you want to go, it doesn't matter which direction you go in," which is sound advice for me right now - I don't NEED to know what I want to do with my life at 25 years old, in fact an awful lot of 25 year olds don't know either. I think what I really want is an adventure, something exciting to happen and for exciting things to keep happening until I DO know what I want to do with my life.
Perfection
Something I keep catching myself doing over and over again is trying too hard to be perfect. I do it so much that it tends to kill my chances of getting what I want. For example, I recently applied for a job. I was really, really excited by the idea of working in this job, because its for a production company down in London, and even though the job won't actually be helping out with film, it'll be closer I've ever been to the industry and just to work for someone who makes films is exciting to me. But I started imagining myself as perfect for the job. I was convinced I'd be so good at the job, so punctual, such an A star colleague that I became unrealistic about who I actually am. I'm not an extraordinary human being, and people know that, because there's no such thing as an extraordinary human being. So trying to sell myself as one is silly.
What I can do instead, is: Be realistic. Note down my real strengths, like my ability to solve problems, find the issue thats really causing the issues and bring them to the surface. And my willingness to jump right into a job, depending on what's needed. Not make up a bunch of skills I imagine people would want in me. If I did that, I might be passing by an opportunity with someone who does want someone just like me.
One other thing: There's nothing wrong with being nervous when you're applying for a job you really, really want. It shows you really, really want it. I need to learn to stop myself from acting "cool" when what I really want to do is flap around like a mad woman. The nervousness escapes from me anyway and makes me look like an idiot (so I'm not "cool" at all. I think this is stretching into "another blog post" territory)
Hi, I'm Sarah and thanks for checking out my blog! I'm currently taking photographs of a Bunny sitting on various peoples heads, trying to figure out my life and blogging about it as I go! Join me for the ride, it should be fun :) You can learn more about me by reading my About Page...
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